This blog is overdue by three weeks and a day. My intention when I started this blog was to post weekly. Unfortunately, when the time came to sit down and blog or post a blog I would be hesitant or lost for words. But what’s a blog about a journey if the people reading don’t know the obstacles I have to overcome during this journey? As I said before, everyone has a journey, and by sharing my own I hope to encourage others, and provide them with some company as they go through their journey. I’ve relied on post and blogs before to help me feel better about being alone, or working a lot and having to make sacrifices. So I do believe that by sharing my reality with people I can potentially give someone the encouragement and companionship they may need to keep going. That being said, when it came to my blog, hesitation and procrastination were my challenges these past few weeks. I was very stuck on what to say and how to say it because I wanted to be honest, but my fear convinced me that I was too honest, so every time I wrote something for this blog, I would file it away as a personal journal entry and postpone the blog all together.
A lot can happen in three weeks. A person can even change the kind of person they are in a matter of three weeks. If anybody says it is not possible, then they either never noticed change happening in three weeks, or they just haven’t experienced it yet. My experience took me from being filled with hatred, to being filled with love. I experienced blindness and then my vision returned. I felt burdened with pain at the beginning of the three weeks, and by the end, more free then I’ve ever been. I was afraid to express how I really felt when all I had was pain and anger, so I told myself, “Blog when you feel better. Don’t put too much honesty out there. Someone might see it.” Of course, it’s a blog, people are suppose to see it, but I’m not used to people seeing my pain. The hatred, and blindness, and pain that I learned to bond with and become temporarily loyal to was caused by heartbreak. It’s not easy for me to say that my heart is broken, or that I feel humiliated and stupid for getting hurt. In the beginning of these three weeks I had been so anxious because I had been warned by intuition and a handful of people that the ex boyfriend who left me out in the cold would return, and soon. I blogged about how I felt about it, but didn’t post it because I didn’t want to seem vulnerable. Essentially, I was expressing anxiety over someone who left me out in the cold. I wish I had of posted it though because someone may have needed to know that there is someone else out here foolish enough to even consider a possible re-connection with someone very undeserving. But it’s OK because I’m telling you now. I absolutely WAS foolish enough to believe that someone who could disappear on me and ignore me for months could come back and be the sweetest person ever. Oh, how naive. For those of you who are currently under the spell of naivety, wake up, get your shit and move forward without looking back. No one who hurts you is worth a second thought, or chance. Love does NOT hurt, so don’t abuse yourself by staying in hurtful situations. There are over seven billion people in the world, don’t let one or two or three people (not even a fraction of the population) cause you to feel miserable. Trust me, you can love you better than anyone else can, so letting them go just provides more space for self-love. MUCH better feeling.
My intuition and those few people who warned me were right. He did come back, but not to me. I saw him drive past me, and when my car and his car were side by side at the light, he refused to look at me, so I moved a couple lanes over to the turning lane, so I could turn around and just let him be because in that moment I realized how foolish I had been for waiting for this moment. As he pulled off, about two lanes to my right now, he mocked me like a child teasing other children who can’t catch them. This is my reason for wanting to reach out to people and say, “It’s OK to keep going without looking back because looking back can turn you to stone.” His childish gesture against me hurt like hell because he was supposed to be the person he said he was in the beginning, not the person who leaves me cold then mocks me about it. But Glory be to God for showing me the Truth and lifting the burden and the pain off of me before even that night was over. I was so happy to be freed from misery that I became willing to forgive and love harder than ever before. That happened only three days ago. Four days ago, you couldn’t have told me that I could be as happy as I am today. So, I guess change can happen in three weeks or three days, depending on how much you want it. For this part of My Journey, I want to encourage myself and others to keep loving yourself, and accept nothing less from others. We all deserve love while we journey, so love you better than you ever have, and know that my love is for you too. Journey in Peace!